Toronto: The beginning

The last couple of days have been tougher than I thought they would be. I’ve barely slept, my body has no idea what time of day it is or what meal I should be eating. After three days of travelling, across three time zones and mostly through the night, I’m exhausted and completely and utterly emotionally knackered.

I knew moving to another country was a risk. Having struggled with varying levels of depression since I can remember, it was a huge risk to be this far from home and the network of friends and family I’ve barely managed to cultivate. But I didn’t expect to feel like this, I forget how it feels sometimes.

When I moved to Edinburgh I had my best friend close-by, which helped me get through the first 6 months. I spent most of my time in my room or at work, barely managing to juggle adulthood. But I never felt unhappy. In fact, at the time it was the most content I had ever felt. I had a job, a great flatmate, and an apartment in an enviable spot in Edinburgh, I even had a view of the castle when I walked out of my front door every morning. The last 3.5 years of my life have been some of the best years of my life.

But now.. I can’t get out of bed. I can barely contemplate finding enough energy to find something to eat, let alone make any real effort to find a job. I manage bursts of activity, before falling back into fits of tears and feeling completely lost. I was happy in Edinburgh. What made me think this would even be a good idea.

It’s not unusual to feel this way when making such a big change to your life. A new routine, or lack of one, being away from your usual support network. I know what I should do, what I need to do to get myself out of the rut, but I just..can’t. It’s pathetic. I know.

Last night I managed to drag myself out the door, grudgingly. The night is tiresome, I don’t really want to be there. But I drink some beer and end the night in bed with McDonalds watching Brave. It’s not a total loss.

But it’s a gentle reminder of how important those people are to me who I can share anything with, and just be me. It’s oddly comforting. Even just writing helps put things in perspective sometimes. I know I’ve made the right decision coming out here, deep down, every decision to this point leading me to something better, something brighter.

I have so many things to do, admin things.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll make a start.

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A little note: Part of this blog was to share the good and the not so good parts of travelling. This is all just part of life and I’m taking it one day at a time.

 

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